Yesterday was one of my stress days. It has been some time since I experienced it again.
According to Chip Ingram, stress is the body's internal response to external demands. And that's exactly what I felt. My body's internal mechanism - heart, mind and soul - was tired, but my physical body was fine.
I had trouble sleeping too last night. I had bouts of waking up in the middle of the night (even with anti-depressants).
Even so, I won't let the negatives of life pass by without reaping something good out of it. I think that's why I want to write what I learned from yesterday today.
Learning # 1: Sometimes external aggression can hide internal brokenness and hurt.
Yesterday, I threatened indirectly to do something to someone if they won't stop honking their cars, or if they won't stop bothering me. I can try to put up this threatening aura but inside when I'm alone, my heart is so burdened and broken. A verse from Psalms says, "When my heart was grieved (internal) and my spirit embittered (internal), I was senseless and ignorant (external); I was a brute beast before you. (external)" (Psalm 73: 21-22)
How many of us say things or do things we regret that are not really the root of the issue? The adage goes, "Hurting people hurt people."
I had trouble sleeping too last night. I had bouts of waking up in the middle of the night (even with anti-depressants).
Even so, I won't let the negatives of life pass by without reaping something good out of it. I think that's why I want to write what I learned from yesterday today.
Learning # 1: Sometimes external aggression can hide internal brokenness and hurt.
Yesterday, I threatened indirectly to do something to someone if they won't stop honking their cars, or if they won't stop bothering me. I can try to put up this threatening aura but inside when I'm alone, my heart is so burdened and broken. A verse from Psalms says, "When my heart was grieved (internal) and my spirit embittered (internal), I was senseless and ignorant (external); I was a brute beast before you. (external)" (Psalm 73: 21-22)
How many of us say things or do things we regret that are not really the root of the issue? The adage goes, "Hurting people hurt people."
Learning # 2: We can turn to different things to relieve the pain but don't get to the root.
Yesterday, I turned my iPod so loud and attempted to dance my stress and pain out (which worked by the way) to Nelly and Fergie's Party People, Maroon 5 and Rihanna's If I Never See Your Face Again, and Britney Spears' Womanizer. During my university years, I turned to music to dance the stresses out and I'll hand it to them, it does work.
However, bring me back to the stressor - something that reminds me of my stress - or get me time alone and I'm back crying tears. My body loses energy and my mind is occupied again.
I turn to different things to mask or hide the pain, particularly music. "I'll just zone everything out." But it does not address the root, be it hurt, unresolved conflict, unmet expectations, unfulfilled needs - need for love, security or affection - that disguise itself in different ways, situations and at varying levels.
Sometimes we don't allow people to go there. It's too painful. We'd rather hide behind a facade because unearthing the root and solving it is to make ourselves vulnerable like a child. We don't want to admit what we really need. I don't want to admit that I am also touched by other people's rejection and that to want love is to be weak.
Learning # 3: GOD's unequaled and unfailing love is my greatest antidote to pain.
As much as I appreciate the unconditional love of my churchmates, all that I wanted yesterday was to receive God's love because it secures and quiets me. I'm thankful to have been blessed with good relationships but sometimes God allows me to have broken cisterns that can't be filled no matter how much water you put into it. I will still feel empty and never satisfied.
The key for me is to ask God to fill me as He restores my broken spirit. I was wounded from my spiritual battles. I needed a bandage from God.
God gave me internal - spiritual, emotional and mental - repair. In the solace and comfort of my bed last night, I allowed the Lord to touch my heart, to examine who I am internally and receive His Word and comfort. I am reminded that GOD is after who I am and not what I do. He was more interested to comfort His broken child yesterday than to have her work and do service but was broken inside. I stopped working for God and stopped trying to bandage myself last night. I laid it all before Jesus and confessed my need for His strength, love and peace. To give me freedom to forgive. And release me from internal damages that could affect me in the future.
God was more interested to comfort His broken child yesterday than to have her work and do service but was broken inside.
My playlist yesterday 9 pm were Eagle's Wings by Hillsong and The Warrior is a Child by Gary V, Twila Paris (sang it before I slept).
Side note: I think my pastor is in this video. He is one of the rowers. What a surprise.
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